Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
You Might Also Like
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Coffee is ready.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
I don’t hate children, just yours.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”