I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
You Might Also Like
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
can you read it!!??
maan!
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”