Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
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Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
I feel it
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs