oh shit
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You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?