me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
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Current mood: Potato
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
My life in a nutshell
“Sheer Arrogance”
my first dose meeting my second
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.