Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
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Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.