An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
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Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
accurate
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Every photo I’m tagged in
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?