What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
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My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
True
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.