*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
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My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Can Happiness buy money?
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.