SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
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I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me