How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
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I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”