3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
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Sharon I have some bad news
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
These work great until they don’t.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Morning.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Buck naked
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud