My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
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A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change