May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
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Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
absolute chaos
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means