Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
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DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
A drum solo but on your face.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.