*limbos away from your hug*
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War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
That’s easy for you to say
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Natural selection at its finest
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.