*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
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I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
mechanics be like
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.