Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
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mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
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Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.