Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
You Might Also Like
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
#Caturday
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.