Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
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jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.