Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
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Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound