Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
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Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
“I wouldn’t.”
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
an octopus is just a wet spider
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Tier 3 meme
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot