them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
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I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!