I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
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The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
[eulogy]
line?
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.