every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
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[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
and now we wait
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Meow?
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
The pasta is now
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?