Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
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[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
this isn’t threatening at all
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*