[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
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In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
wtf management?!
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.