As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
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A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I just love that new Pope smell.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬