There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
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I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Hey I worked for it too!
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?