man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
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[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
I have a place for everything. The floor.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out