THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
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me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.