FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
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The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
favorite tropes as memes
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
That’s fair
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam