Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
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As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]