Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
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Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
what it’s like dating me:
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??