STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
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Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Natty or not?
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?