Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
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“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
*watches the world burn*