Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
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my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse