no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
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*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
When I said I liked it rough.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then