I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
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talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
*puts cutlery down*
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]