“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
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Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants