My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
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(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?