Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
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Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.