My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
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3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.