Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
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*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Monday
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.