I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
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When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.