If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
You Might Also Like
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
mumsnet is amazing
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Cndnsd Mlk
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror