if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
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me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏