when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
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Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go