the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
You Might Also Like
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.