One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
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Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach